Psychosexual Stages of Personal Development

The pursuit of pleasure ("the pleasure principle") and the avoidance of pain drive the infant to explore his or her self and the world at large.

The Viennese neurologist, Sigmund Freud, was among the first to offer a model of psychological development in early childhood (within the framework of psychoanalysis). He closely linked the sex drive (libido) to the formation of personality and described five psychosexual stages, four of which are centered around various erogenous zones in the body.The pursuit of pleasure ("the pleasure principle") and the avoidance of pain drive the infant to explore his or her self and the world at large. Pleasure is inextricably linked to sexual gratification. In the oral phase (from birth to 24 months), the baby focuses on the tongue, lips, and mouth and derives gratification from breast feeding, thumb sucking, biting, swallowing, and other oral exploratory activities.This is naturally followed by the anal stage (24 to 36 months). The baby immensely enjoys defecation and related bowel movements. But it is also the first time in his or her life that the toddler is subjected to the censure and displeasure of caretakers. Hitherto unconditionally adoring adults now demand that the infant delay gratification, relieve himself only in the bathroom, and not play with his feces. This experience - of hitherto unprecedented adult approbation - can be traumatic.

The phallic stage (age 3 to 6 years) involves the discovery of the penis and clitoris as foci of pleasurable experience. This tantalizing novelty is coupled with sexual desire directed at the parent of the opposite sex (boys are attracted to their mothers and girls, to their fathers). The child overtly and covertly competes with the same-sex parent for the desired parent's attention: boys joust with their fathers and girls with their mothers. These are the famous Oedipal and Electra complexes. If the parent is insufficiently mature or narcissistic and encourages the attentions of the child in acts of covert (emotional) and overt (physical) incest, it could lead to the development of certain mental health disorders, among them the Histrionic, Narcissistic, and Borderline personality disorders. Doting, over-indulgence, and smothering are, therefore, forms of child abuse. Sexual innuendo, treating the child as an adult or substitute partner, or regarding one's offspring as an extension of one's self also constitute abusive conduct.The phallic stage is followed by 6 to 7 years of latent sexuality that is rekindled in puberty. Adolescence is a period of personal development labeled by Freud the genital phase. In the previous rungs of psychosexual evolution, the child's own body was the source of sexual pleasure. Hitherto, the adolescent and young adult seeks sexual gratification from and invests sexual energy in others. This object-relatedness is what we call mature love.

Also read these:The Pathology of Love - click HERE!

In Defense of Psychoanalysis - click HERE!On Incest - click HERE!

ABC's of Success: Making Your Dream Come True

"To follow without halt, one aim; there is the secret of success. And success? What is it? I do not find it in the applause of the theater; it lies rather in the satisfaction of accomplishment." (Anna Pavlova)

Any success in life involves a blending of mind and heart with action. Only by committing our intellect, will, time, and energy can we achieve that Olympic gold, that certificate of appreciation, or that "A" on a spelling test.

When we look at high achievers in any field or endeavor, we see common elements. Whether we want to follow their lead and go for the gold or whether we want to set less ambitious goals or none at all, the model is there and the decision is ours.

The ABC's of winning:

A: An accomplishment or goal. We conceptualize an achievement, such as running a three-minute mile, winning an election, or losing 20 pounds of excess body fat.

B: Belief in the goal. We recognize our objective as achievable, that is, within human grasp. Playing Rachmaninoff's concerto or growing a 1000-pound pumpkin must be, for us, a real possibility.

C: Confidence in our ability to achieve the goal. Believing we can succeed builds gradually from birth. When even our minor accomplishments are recognized, approved, and rewarded by those significant in our lives, our self-confidence grows. We internalize their views and feelings; and when these positive self-images combine with an inherent talent, accomplishment is unlimited:

"When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; if you become a monk, you'll end up as the Pope.' Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."

Believing in, first, the achievability of a goal and, second, our ability to reach the goal, sets the stage for action and becomes for us a self-fulfilling prophecy:

"If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right." (attributed to both Henry Ford and Mary Kay Ash)

D: Defining the goal as worthy of pursuit and deciding to work for it. At this point our values enter the picture. Is it more important to become a firefighter or an American Idol? Our value system shapes our personal decisions about what is and what is not worth pursuing.

Kaitlyn, six years of age and in the first grade, outdistances her peers on the track. Her red shoe markers--earned for every five miles completed--are multiplying quickly. Will she see her newly-discovered ability as worthy of her passion and dedication? Will she choose to devote time and energy to pursuing track records or other unrelated accomplishments? What she deems worthy will direct her decision.

E: Setting an effective step-by-step action plan and exerting effective effort. The stories of the most accomplished persons illustrate the time and energy needed to perfect a golf swing or become a prima ballerina. "Practice makes perfect," our mothers told us. Vince Lombardi put it this way:

"Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work" (Vince Lombardi)

Sustained effort requires a passion and zeal truly our own. What once may have been the dream of others for us, translates into accomplishment only when the burning desire becomes lodged deep in our heart.

"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." (Arnold H. Glasow)

F: Following through with constancy of purpose and dedication and allowing failures to be only temporary setbacks. Tenacity and persistence are messages many children hear around the dinner table and on the playing field: "The Connollys don't quit," "Don't give up, and don't give in." or "Quitters never win, and winners never quit."

Success, thus, means following the lead set by exemplars of excellence. First, look carefully at your interests and find something you are passionate about. Look realistically at the skills you currently possess as well as your potential. Rather than a headlong, helter-skelter dash, set a plan and bolster your self-confidence by focusing on minor accomplishments. Don't be surprised by setbacks, and don't be fearful of them. Detours on the road to success are only temporary glitches. Work through them and keep your eyes on the ultimate goal. Follow the roadmap you have set and visualize success while you enthusiastically devote time and effort. Enlist the aid and support of family and friends. Telling them about your plans can help keep you on track. In addition to the emotional support, you may need their support in other ways. And, most importantly, never give up.

2006 All Rights Reserved.

A Proven Set of Principles to Guide You in the New Year

How many of us have set New Year’s resolutions or goals for our lives that all too quickly are forgotten or put aside until the next year? The following set of principles will help you achieve your New Year’s resolutions and much more.

How many of us have set New Year’s resolutions or goals for our lives that all too quickly are forgotten or put aside until the next year? The following set of principles will help you achieve your New Year’s resolutions and much more. Read them over carefully. Challenge them, as at first reading you may not fully understand or agree with some of them. Now, or on January 1, select one of these principles and put it into action for a full week. Notice how things in your life improve and move you closer to achieving your desires. At the end of each week focus on a new principle until all seven are a way of life for you.

1. There is no failure, only feedback.

Have you ever done something that didn’t work out the way you had planned? How often have you interpreted this as failure and possibly beat yourself up or blamed others? Far too many of us have been trained to judge our results as either success or failure. How would your life change if you viewed failure simply as feedback – an opportunity to learn how not to do something and become flexible in developing new ways to achieve your intended outcome? The next time something does not unfold as planned accept it as feedback, get curious and ask yourself questions such as, “What do I need to learn about myself, others, my work or family environment, so that if a similar situation were to occur in the future, I can get a better result?”

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”

Thomas Alva Edison, scientist and inventor

How different would your workplace be if failure were viewed as feedback? Would you, and others, be more inclined to explore new ways to get your work done more efficiently and effectively, with more fun?

2. You cannot not communicate.

Often we think we communicate only when we speak or write. This is not so. Consider the following situations: 1. You are in a staff meeting sitting off to one side, with your arms folded and an angry look on your face, and not participating in the discussion at all. 2. You have chosen not to respond to telephone and e-mail messages in a timely fashion, or at all. Even no communication sends a message, and it is often not a positive one. Who are you really hurting?

Through your tone of voice, actions, facial expressions, gestures and body language, you are always communicating. Take time to step back and see the impact of your actions on the larger system. Is this really the impression you wish to create or the message you wish to convey?

3. Be flexible – If what you are doing is not creating the results you desire, do something different.

Have you ever been stuck in life, doing the same things repeatedly and each time expecting to get a different result? This is the widely known definition of insanity. If you want your life to be different, doing the same things more often, harder, or louder is not the way to change it. You must choose to do something different. If you try one key in a lock and it doesn’t fit, would you keep trying the same key repeatedly? Or would you be flexible and try other keys until you find the one that works?

It is the same for your life. Be flexible; explore different behaviors and strategies to unlock what you truly want in life or who you are destined to be.

If you are a parent, consider the following: There are no resistant children, only inflexible adults.

4. The meaning of communication is the response it produces.

Your intended communication is not always what is understood by the other person. And what is more important – your intention or what is understood? It does not matter what your intention is, what matters are the results you generate from your words, tone of voice, facial expressions and body language. By taking the other person’s response as feedback and being flexible, you can change how you communicate until you achieve your desired result.

Consider the following situation: as a man, I notice a female coworker is wearing a new dress, so I decide to pay her a compliment (my sincere intention). I say to her, “My, you look terrific in that dress.” However, her reaction isn’t what I expected. She seems annoyed and leaves the room. I do not know what is going on in her mind, but obviously she heard my message very differently from what I had intended. Perhaps from her experiences and beliefs, she interpreted what I said as “hitting on her” or being suggestive. The next time I see her, I can continue with the same behavior, or simply ignore her and harbor all manner of bad thoughts about her. Or I can recognize that my remark did not produce the result I had intended and find different ways to communicate with her so that we can have a productive working relationship.

5. Every behavior has a positive intention.

No matter how strange, hurtful or inappropriate a person’s behavior may seem to you, for the person engaging in that behavior, it makes sense from their perspective – their beliefs and values – and is predicated upon satisfying a positive intention for them.

The key is to appreciate that there is a positive intention behind the other person’s behavior – for them, maybe not for you. This does not mean that you must view the other person’s behavior as positive or acceptable. On the contrary, you may find it quite distasteful. You need to look behind the behavior to discover the positive intention or, if it’s not apparent, look for an intention that makes sense in their reality. This intention may be for themselves, for you or for someone else. Once you have an understanding of their intention, you can explore alternative ways to help the person achieve it.

As an example, let’s say you are having a discussion with someone and he suddenly raises his voice, knocks things off the table and runs from the room. From your perspective, this certainly cannot be viewed as positive behavior. What could possibly be the positive intention behind this kind of behavior? Now look at it from the other person’s perspective. Given his background – his experiences, beliefs and values – perhaps he felt unsafe or overwhelmed in the conversation with you. Given the resources he had available at that moment, this may have been the only option he felt he had in order to create some space or to flee to a place of greater safety.

What can you do to avoid a similar result next time? You can accept what happened as feedback, respect his perspective, explore the possible positive intentions behind his behavior and look at other ways to achieve your outcome while satisfying his positive intention. In other words, be flexible.

It is useful to take stock of your own behaviors on a regular basis. Notice the results you are achieving, identify the positive intention behind these behaviors and ask, “Is there a better way to achieve my positive intention that minimizes the negative side-effects?”

6. Everyone does the best they can with the resources available to them.

People already have the resources they need to succeed. However, their perspective of the world (beliefs, values and limiting constraints) or temporary state of mind (overwhelmed, sad or angry) may prevent them from seeing what is really possible or prevent them from fully accessing their capabilities and resources. In these situations, a person may make decisions or take actions that, from another viewpoint, are much less than they are capable of and that may even be experienced as hurtful.

With hindsight, that person could have done many things differently, but it was deemed the best choice at the time. We do not always make the “right” decision or take the “right” action; simply, decisions and actions are taken based on what resources we have available to us at the time.

7. You are in charge of your mind and therefore your results.

It was you who chose the beliefs, values and decisions that determine your perspective of the world and how you experience different events. It is also you who can change these to gain a different perspective and thus reap the benefits of results that are potentially very different, brining significant changes to your life.

In conclusion

You can simply read the above principles or you can begin to put them into action and make them a way of life. In doing so, you have the opportunity to change your reality, your results and your life!

Negativistic (Passive-Aggressive) Personality Disorder

Some people are perennial pessimists and have "negative energy" and negativistic attitudes ("good things don't last", "it doesn't pay to be good", "the future is behind me").

The Negativistic (Passive-Aggressive) Personality Disorder is not yet recognized by the DSM Committee. It makes its appearances in Appendix B of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, titled "Criteria Sets and Axes Provided for Further Study."Some people are perennial pessimists and have "negative energy" and negativistic attitudes ("good things don't last", "it doesn't pay to be good", "the future is behind me"). Not only do they disparage the efforts of others, but they make it a point to resist demands to perform in workplace and social settings and to frustrate people's expectations and requests, however reasonable and minimal they may be. Such persons regard every requirement and assigned task as impositions, reject authority, resent authority figures (boss, teacher, parent-like spouse), feel shackled and enslaved by commitment, and oppose relationships that bind them in any manner.

Passive-aggressiveness wears a multitudes of guises: procrastination, malingering, perfectionism, forgetfulness, neglect, truancy, intentional inefficiency, stubbornness, and outright sabotage. This repeated and advertent misconduct has far reaching effects. Consider the Negativist in the workplace: he or she invests time and efforts in obstructing their own chores and in undermining relationships. But, these self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors wreak havoc throughout the workshop or the office. People diagnosed with the Negativistic (Passive-Aggressive) Personality Disorder resemble narcissists in some important respects. Despite the obstructive role they play, passive-aggressives feel unappreciated, underpaid, cheated, and misunderstood. They chronically complain, whine, carp, and criticize. They blame their failures and defeats on others, posing as martyrs and victims of a corrupt, inefficient, and heartless system (in other words, they have alloplastic defenses and an external locus of control). Passive-aggressives sulk and give the "silent treatment" in reaction to real or imagined slights. They suffer from ideas of reference (believe that they are the butt of derision, contempt, and condemnation) and are mildly paranoid (the world is out to get them, which explains their personal misfortune). In the words of the DSM: "They may be sullen, irritable, impatient, argumentative, cynical, skeptical and contrary." They are also hostile, explosive, lack impulse control, and, sometimes, reckless. Inevitably, passive-aggressives are envious of the fortunate, the successful, the famous, their superiors, those in favor, and the happy. They vent this venomous jealousy openly and defiantly whenever given the opportunity. But, deep at heart, passive-aggressives are craven. When reprimanded, they immediately revert to begging forgiveness, kowtowing, maudlin protestations, turning on their charm, and promising to behave and perform better in the future.

Also read these:Anger - The Source of Personality Disorders - click HERE!The Intermittent Explosive Narcissist - click HERE!

Therapy and Treatment of Personality Disorders

Disillusioned, most therapists now adhere to one or more of three modern methods: Brief Therapies, the Common Factors approach, and Eclectic techniques.

The dogmatic schools of psychotherapy (such as psychoanalysis, psychodynamic therapies, and behaviorism) more or less failed in ameliorating, let alone curing or healing personality disorders. Disillusioned, most therapists now adhere to one or more of three modern methods: Brief Therapies, the Common Factors approach, and Eclectic techniques.

Conventionally, brief therapies, as their name implies, are short-term but effective. They involve a few rigidly structured sessions, directed by the therapist. The patient is expected to be active and responsive. Both parties sign a therapeutic contract (or alliance) in which they define the goals of the therapy and, consequently, its themes. As opposed to earlier treatment modalities, brief therapies actually encourage anxiety because they believe that it has a catalytic and cathartic effect on the patient. Supporters of the Common Factors approach point out that all psychotherapies are more or less equally efficient (or rather similarly inefficient) in treating personality disorders. As Garfield noted in 1957, the first step perforce involves a voluntary action: the subject seeks help because he or she experiences intolerable discomfort, ego-dystony, dysphoria, and dysfunction. This act is the first and indispensable factor associated with all therapeutic encounters, regardless of their origins.

Another common factor is the fact that all talk therapies revolve around disclosure and confidences. The patient confesses his or her problems, burdens, worries, anxieties, fears, wishes, intrusive thoughts, compulsions, difficulties, failures, delusions, and, generally invites the therapist into the recesses of his or her innermost mental landscape. The therapist leverages this torrent of data and elaborates on it through a series of attentive comments and probing, thought-provoking queries and insights. This pattern of give and take should, in time, yield a relationship between patient and healer, based on mutual trust and respect. To many patients this may well be the first healthy relationship they experience and a model to build on in the future.

Good therapy empowers the client and enhances her ability to properly gauge reality (her reality test). It amount to a comprehensive rethink of oneself and one's life. With perspective comes a stable sense of self-worth, well-being, and competence (self-confidence). In 1961, a scholar, Frank made a list of the important elements in all psychotherapies regardless of their intellectual provenance and technique:

1. The therapist should be trustworthy, competent, and caring.

2. The therapist should facilitate behavioral modification in the patient by fostering hope and "stimulating emotional arousal" (as Millon puts it). In other words, the patient should be re-introduced to his repressed or stunted emotions and thereby undergo a "corrective emotional experience."

3. The therapist should help the patient develop insight about herself - a new way of looking at herself and her world and of understanding who she is.

4. All therapies must weather the inevitable crises and demoralization that accompany the process of confronting oneself and one's shortcomings. Loss of self-esteem and devastating feelings of inadequacy, helplessness, hopelessness, alienation, and even despair are an integral, productive, and important part of the sessions if handled properly and competently.

Learn more about psychoanalysis - click HERE!

Read more about treatment modalities and therapies - click HERE!

Using Self Motivation Techniques To Keep Your Goals In Focus

Self motivation is essential to success but sometimes it is difficult to maintain. If our self motivation lapses, it is a struggle to restore it. To avoid this unnecessary struggle, we can use tricks and rewards to maintain the positive mental attitude that will enable us to forge ahead towards our goals.
No matter what goal you are aiming for, staying motivated is a challenge for everyone at times. Even though you have set those goals for yourself, it will be hard to stay focused at times. Using self motivation techniques is a great way to ensure that you stay positive and have the mental attitude needed to achieve your goals. One of the best things that you can do is to map out a plan detailing your goal and the steps that you will take to achieve your dreams. It is also a good idea to regularly reassess your plan and make sure that you still feel that your original strategy is the best one. There is nothing wrong with changing your plan if you feel that changes will improve it, the plan is not carved in stone and should always be considered as a flexible tool. Life is full of unexpected surprises and this can mean your initial steps will no longer lead you to where you want to arrive, you can change your written plan to take any surprise changes into account.

Making your written plan is the first step. After that, you might find that you still need sources of inspiration and encouragement. Self motivation techniques such as breaking your plan into small tasks that you can achieve daily will help give you a sense of accomplishment as each task is finished. This is a great technique and will help you avoid feeling overwhelmed or feeling that your goal is too hard for you to accomplish. Remember, the way to eat a whole elephant is one bite at a time. Make a written list of tasks for each day and cross them off one by one as you complete them. Each time you cross off a completed item, your spirits will get a boost that will encourage you to tack the next task on your list.

Rewarding yourself after you complete your tasks will also help keep you feeling mentally positive and optimistic. The reward can be anything, eg a coffee break or ten minutes to chat to a friend on the phone. The reward doesn't need to be anything big but, by giving yourself an incentive, you will have something to help motivate you to take the next step towards reaching your goal.

Procrastination is called "the thief of time" for very good reasons. Procrastination is an easy habit to adopt and a very hard one to break, so it is best to have a scheme in place to avoid it all together. Avoiding procrastination is one of the simplest and biggest ways that you can increase your motivation and remain focused on taking the necessary small steps towards achieving your goals.

Making written lists (and following them!) is an excellent way to avoid procrastination. Try taking your yearly goals and breaking them down into manageable monthly chunks. Next break the monthly lists down further into weekly parts. Finally make daily lists that involve small steps towards your yearly goals. By working on your yearly goals in this step by step fashion, you will reduce the opportunities for being tempted to procrastinate. Once you get into the habit of following your daily task list, the temptation to put things off will be overridden by the desire to see all the items crossed through by the end of your working day.

When you finish your daily tasks, be sure to reward yourself. If you finish earlier than normal, award yourself some extra time off to spend as you please. If you are keeping to your step by step plan, there is no need to put in extra hours. The days of procrastinating and then needing to work longer hours will be over. List making sounds simple (and it is) but it is a powerful way to keep yourself on track day by day to accomplish your ultimate goals.

What You Condemn Or Admire In Others Talks About You

What you don’t have inside yourself, you can not see in others! The human psyche seems to have a pendant for projecting our shortcomings onto others, but also our good traits. Without the other we would not be able to know the self : they are our mirrors.
The human psyche seems to have a pendant for projecting our shortcomings onto others, but also our good traits. Without the other we would not be able to know the self: they are our mirrors. If you want to know whether your hair looks great or if your new coat suits you, you take a look in the mirror, don’t you? You need that mirror to be able to look at your outer appearance. The same counts for your inner world. If you want to have a look at yourself inside, look into the mirror, which is other people : the traits you hate in them and the ones you love in them. This tells more about you than you think! In fact, you hate and love those traits which you pushed away into your shadow zone, which you decided you don’t want to see (the negative traits you condamned as “bad” or “no good”), or those which you decided you don’t have (the positive traits, which you call “good” and which you would like to have but you think you don’t have them). In order to see inside yourself, look at what disturbs you in others and what you admire in others. All these traits are energies you pushed away and which you need to recover. That’s why this bothers or attracts you now in your life. What we condemn or detest in others are our own qualities that we don’t want to face, but that we should be working at. This is called the negative projection. What you don’t like in others, or even hate, is a part of yourself. When the indifference of another person disturbs you, it means that you should be more indifferent yourself and stop to invest yourself for 100% everywhere and with everyone! This doesn’t mean you have to become as indifferent, cold and distant as the other person, but that you should reintegrate a part of this energy in your own behavior, and become a little less involved in what you do. Too much involvment can hurt you. You need to learn in this case to take more care of yourself instead of being so focused on the other one. If you are balanced on this polarity of indifference (one extreme) and too much involvment (the other extreme), than the indifference of the other won't bother you anymore. This counts for every trait that bothers you in others! You should integrate the energy of this trait in your energy field. This means to become a little bit more like the other (in this exemple : indifferent) and become the opposite to yourself (more involved in your own well being). When you start to integrate the behavior that disturbs you in others, you will notice that this behavior doesn’t disturb you anymore. You simply don’t notice it anymore. You have integrated this energy, so now you become neutral towards this topic. When the aggressive behavior of a partner or colleagues is getting to you, then you may have to learn to say “no”, defend your ground and clearly mark the borders. The fact that somebody’s aggression disturbs you proves that you have hidden that energy away in your shadow side. You can reclaim that energy and develop it in other ways that support your balance in life. This counts for every behavior in others that disturbs you. This is the fastest way to grow and to keep up with others at the same time! On a scale of polarities, what you hate is the polarity you didn’t develop inside you and you should. Life showes you this in the behavior of the significant other. In stead of hating him or his behavior, observe, ask yourself what you have to learn, learn it, integrate (you become a better person, a whole, complete person) and the screen of life will show you a more balanced person! In the same way, the good traits you admire in others are your own qualities that you don’t know you have. You think you are lacking these talents and admire them thus in others. These qualities are present within yourself but they are “under construction” and also need developing. They are, however, a mirror image of your highest abilities. This is the positive projection. Think of a male person and a female person you admire, and who you know in real life. Make a list of the qualities and traits you admire in them. Then read this list again and say out loud in front of each quality : “I am…”. Let’s say you admire the elegance and the organizational skills of your best friend. This means you too have the capacity to organize your life and things and you too are beautiful, otherwise you would even not be able to see it in others! You do have the germ of these qualities inside, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to notice them. This list clearly represents who you are. This is the truth about you. These qualities are INSIDE of you. They are merely waiting to be discovered, expanded and expressed. You can do the same with people you don’t know personally, like movie stars, singers, historical figures, politicians, mythical figures, fairies….

List their qualities and read for yourself : “I am…” In the beginning you’re maybe sceptical, you won’t believe you possess yourself these qualities. But have a closer look and admit the possibility of having these qualities inside you in the form of seeds that need to be cultivated in order to blossom. What you don’t have inside yourself, you can not see in others!