What is a parent to do if she/he suspects his/her child is secretly doing something unacceptable? The first reaction is to trust that your child is in conflict about something and needs your understanding support to discuss and resolve the issue. Avoid the temptation to rifle through your child’s personal belongings to uncover information.
If you discover evidence supporting your suspicions, you will need to reveal that you found the evidence. Your child will know you have snooped and will feel a sense of violation and, worse, will feel he/she cannot trust you.
The most effective way to help your child tell you what is going-on is a non-judgmental and open discussion. The following tips are good guidelines for this process.
1. Remain Calm: No matter how upset you are with regard to your suspicions, remain calm to avoid an adversarial atmosphere. Your reaction and behavior play a key role in your child’s ability to tell you what she/he is struggling with or is doing.
2. Take your child to a comfortable place in your home—kitchen table, bedroom or family room. Do not include siblings in this discussion.
3. Use a calm, non-judgmental matter-of-fact tone of voice.
4. Understand your child does not know how to tell you or what you need to know so you can be of help.
5. Tell your child what you have noticed and why you are concerned. Describe his/her behavior, actions, reactions, and mood—referencing these behaviors, actions, reactions and mood to specific events.
6. Avoid discounting anything your child says. Children cannot talk in the same style or use the same vocabulary as adults. If your child says something that does not add up or make sense—State: “That does not add up or make sense.” Review the details and point out the discrepancies. Continue this line of discussion, until you are satisfied all information has been revealed.
7. Do not admonish your child for not telling you before. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Regardless of how your child told you—you now know. Praise your child for telling you.
Some issues may take days or weeks to resolve. Reassure your child that the issue will be resolved.
8. Reassure your child you love him/her. Children feel guilt, humiliation and shame more readily and more than will be apparent.
9. Develop a plan to help your child learn to avoid these type situations or to handle it in an assertive and self-empowering manner.
Important tools to teach your child to navigate in life include:
1. Be polite—to say "thank you," "please," "excuse me," "I'm sorry," —beginning at age two.
2. Respect other people's differences. We live among many cultures, we need to be ready to have friendships with people who do things in a different way.
3. Respect, but be alert to over zealous or sneaky persons in authority—teachers, coaches, religious leaders, a friend's parents, neighbors and elders.
4. Show kindness—avoid teasing and bullying.
5. Develop interests—hobbies, sports, community work/volunteering, mentoring younger children. Doing interesting things makes your child interesting and brings other exciting people into his/her life. It builds self-confidence and a sense of accomplishment.
6. Exercise good sportsmanship—be a team member who looks out for the entire team and not just oneself.
7. Encourage your child to do things on his/her own as well as in a group—a person who can enjoy his/her own company is good company for others.
8. Be assertive—people respect your child for standing up for what's right and showing strength. It's ok to say "no" when it is the right thing to do.
9. Be friendly—to have friends a person sometimes has to make the first move.
Promote these positive behaviors at home with family members. If these actions are part of a child's daily life at home, he/she will continue them outside of the home. Other good ideas include taking your children to places and events where children don't typically go, so they learn early on how to act in such public places. You can also allow your child to play host with you at family gatherings in your home or when close friends visit. Give tasks to a child that she/he can do without too much help from you, and don't forget to offer praise later.
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, "If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net
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